Set up for Failure? Trying to lose weight or just be healthy?

In the mist of summer when bikini's are relevant why is it all year long I say to myself "this is going to be the year I get the old me back?" The year I am going to wear that bikini and wear it with confidence and pride! Then I set my self up for failure over and over again. I write down goals, I read blogs, join new healthy websites like Spark People or Team Beachbody but I continously never stick to my plans or goals.

Now it's July and I am more overweight than I have ever been in my entire life, once again telling myself that -something has to change. meanwhile in the back of my head I am full of fear. Why am I so scared, most important what am I scared of? So I've decided to look up my blog and write it all out and try to figure this out.

What do I have to lose? Seriously let me think about this...when was the last time I bought a new outfit? And why because I refuse to bye a bigger size, meanwhile I am squeezing into clothes that make me look even heavier why?

I bye all the tools to help me lose the weight and at the same time, it's all a waste. I don't follow the exercise programs. I joined the Bariatric center and lost 25 pounds and I have gained all back plus some..why did I waste all that money? I bye the fruits and veggies and half go bad in the refrig before I use them. I joined a healthy company to promote their products and couldn't even stick with that. I tell myself I deserve an award for every pound or inch lost which always results in a rewarding binge session why?

Family and friends are sick of me saying "I'm so FAT!" So I tell myself I'll show them, once I take off this weight but all I really do is gain more why?

Why why why? I'll tell you why I have figured out I can't accept not having a 21 year olds body anymore. I live with a man who looks exactly as he did when I met him 18 years ago. This causes me to feel like I am not his equal and that is unacceptable. I feel ugly, unaccomplished and defeated.

What am I going to do about it? On this day in July I am making a promise to myself. I am who I am, my weight gain or loss is on me and all the excuses need to be thrown into the garbage can. There is never going to be a magic pill, or magic website, or person that can change how I think or eat. It's all on me. The tools for change are right in front of me, but it's up to me whether or not I choose to use them.

I am going to be accountable to myself from now on. Noone else will see me cheat nor will they care, my own guilty conscience will be the only thing that matters. So can I stick with this plan, I WILL! That is my VOW to myself!